Celebrity Jeopardy!
by Freddy the Magical Elf
Summary: Yeah, everyone's done it. A small distraction from my writing on the Sexy pants third segment, but you might like it. Yeah!
1. Chapter One

Welcome to…CELEBRITY JEOPARDY

Welcome to…CELEBRITY JEOPARDY!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's been done a million times before, and it's not any good. However, I'm working on the third part of "Squall's Sexy Pants", so you know…can only fuel one creative outlet at a time. Thanks to A.C.P. for not caring when his Gundam-goes-on-Jeopardy fic inspired this one. (Everyone go read his. It's better.)

(A tinny, synthesized version of the theme song plays. Alex Trebek walks out.)

ALEX: Hello, I'm Alex Trebek and this is Celebrity Jeopardy. With us today we have a few stars of the popular video game "Final Fantasy VII". Let's meet our contestants.

(Cloud, Vincent, and Aeris are shown. Cloud looks confused, Vincent looks morose, and Aeris is giggling like a fool. Cloud's nameplate [at the front of the podium] has a picture of a fluffy cloud drawn on it, Vincent's has his name in italicized, wispy Gregorian script, and the "I" in Aeris's name is dotted with a little heart.)

ALEX: Welcome, and please try not to make my head explode in agony. Let's look at the categories. (The board lights up.) And the categories are: Materia, ShinRa, Chocobo Breeding, Is That Ham?, Star Wars, Sharp Things and How Not To Use Them, and Green. Cloud, let's start with you.

CLOUD: **scowling** I'll take Green for eighty bajillion gil.

(Aeris, giggling, buzzes in.)

AERIS: What is a color?

ALEX: Er…I'm afraid that not only have we not asked the question yet, but there is no "eighty bajillion gil" question.

CLOUD: Fascist scum.

ALEX: Ah…okay, 400 gil. And the question is: "Grass is this color."

AERIS: **BZZZ** What is shiny!

ALEX: Judges? **pause** No, I'm sorry, we cannot accept that. Anyone else?

VINCENT: **BZZZ** What is the same color as my rotting, gangrenous, moldy, pus-and-bile-green heart?

ALEX: Unfortunately, that's correct. Vincent, you are in the lead with 400 gil; please pick the next category.

VINCENT: I'll take "Chocobo Breeding" for 200, Alex, but yet another sin will be added to my soul.

ALEX: Ooookay…and the answer is: "This is the most expensive kind of Chocobo greens."

CLOUD: **BZZZ** Vincent picked "Chocobo Breeding", not "Green". 

ALEX: Yes, I know. But this is referring to Chocobo food, not the literal color and-

CLOUD: I picked "Green", not Vincent.

ALEX: Yes.

CLOUD: I like green.

ALEX: Good for you.

AERIS: **BZZZ** Cloud, I love you! **giggle**

CLOUD: …

ALEX: Moving on into the remains of my shattered life…any takers? (The timer goes off) The answer is "Sylkis Greens". Vincent, you are still in the lead, which is no great accomplishment. Please pick the next category.

VINCENT: I'll take "Is That Ham?" for your immortal soul.

ALEX: …."Is That Ham?" for 400. (Alex reaches under the podium and pulls out a shrunken Palmer.) Is that ham?

MINI-PALMER: Help me, you guys! Hey! HEY!

AERIS: **BZZZ** What is no, that's Spam?

ALEX: Wrong.

VINCENT: **BZZZ** What is no, that's Miss Piggy?

ALEX: Wrong.

CLOUD: **BZZZ** I don't know if it's ham or not, but can I eat him anyways?

ALEX: **moan** Sure. (He throws the shrieking mini-Palmer at Cloud, who gleefully gulps it down.)

CLOUD: Yup, that's ham.

ALEX: I think we'll move onto Final Jeopardy, simply because it might cause me a debilitating brain aneyeursm and I will be free from this madness. The category is: "Shakespearean"—forget it. Just write down the name of your favorite animal and your wager. It doesn't matter what you put.

(Final Jeopardy music starts, but with an operatic backup choir. Cloud is staring blankly into space, Vincent is polishing his claws, and Aeris is bent over her board, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.)

ALEX: I must be a true masochist. Let's look at what you wagered…Cloud. For your question, you put "What is an animal?". Well, I'm not surprised…and your wager…"Sephiroth is a goat molester". Alright, then.

CLOUD: It's true!

ALEX: I'm sure. Vincent, you put: "Horrific zombies from beyond the grave, putrefaction in their skulls, cockroaches escaping the flesh-stained cages of their ribs, fingers like claws to rape the lives of the victims". I feel your pain. And you wager…you drew a chalk outline of a man with a frowny face for a head labeled "Hojo". I'm not going to ask why.

VINCENT: I am ennui.

ALEX: I am agony. And Aeris…

AERIS: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH I like worked soooooooooooooooo soooooooooooo soooooooooooooo hard on this because like I want it to be as good as possible and like so maybe Cloud would like go out with me and we could like go to Chuck E. Cheese's because that's the place where a kid can be a kid and he's sooooooooooooooooooooooo cute and I wanna love him and squeeze him and—

(Aeris's face explodes in a shower of gore as Vincent blows her away with his Death Penalty.)

ALEX: I can't say I'm not overjoyed, but you do realize that they'll never let public school kids watch this episode.

VINCENT: I apologize, but the world at least is safe to be in.

ALEX: On that note, we'll just ignore hers and end the show here. Vincent Valentine, you are the winner.

CLOUD: He is not!

VINCENT: Am too.

CLOUD: ARE NOT!

VINCENT: AM TOO!

CLOUD: ARE NOT ARE NOT ARE NOT!

VINCENT: AM TOO AM TOO AM TOO!

CLOUD: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He pulls out his Ultimate Weapon)

VINCENT: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He pulls out Death penalty again.)

(Both "heroes" slice and shoot, respectively at the same time. Long story short, they both end up dead.)

ALEX: This is Alex Trebek saying good fight, good night. 


	2. Chapter Two

(The Jeopardy music, video-game-ized, starts up.)

ALEX: Hello, I'm Alex Trebek, and this is Celebrity jeopardy, AKA Idiotfest '01. Since all of the guests from the last game have mercifully died, we have three new contestants.

(A smiling Tifa, a scowling Barret, and a bouncing Yuffie are shown.)

ALEX: From the looks of it, I'd say this is going to be a very long night. (He takes a small flask of whiskey out of his pocket, unscrews the cap, takes a long swig, then closes it and puts it back in his pocket.) And the categories are: Things You Can Spank, Scary Fanfic Authors, Sailor Moon, Is That Palmer?, Chocolate, The Letter "G", Flowers, and The President of the ShinRa. Tifa, for the sake of continuity, you may start.

TIFA: Gee, Alex, that's sweet of you to let me have first go! 

ALEX: Whatever.

TIFA: I'll take Things You Can Spank for 100 gil.

ALEX: And the answer is…"This is what you do with spankable items."

TIFA: **BZZZ** What is, kick their ass!?

ALEX: No.

BARRET: **BZZZ* Yo' foo', up in da hizzouse wit mah ho-meez, yo yo yo you know what I'sayin', bro?

ALEX: You're a stereotype. Someone is bound to be offended.

YUFFIE: **BZZZ** **BZZZ** **BZZZ** OOOOH! OOOOH! (She raises her hand and jumps up and down) Call on me, call on me, callonmecallonmecallonme!

ALEX: Uh…yes…?

YUFFIE: **BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ** What is, spank them!

ALEX: You are correct, and I am now deaf. Yuffie, you are in the dubious lead with 100 gil, please pick the next category.

YUFFIE: **BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ** SAILOR MOON SAILOR MOON SAILOR MOOOOOOOOOOOON!

ALEX: For how much? And your buzzer seems to be working fine. Feel free to stop testing it.

YUFFIE: For…for…um…umumumumumummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ALL YOUR MATERIA!

ALEX: Let's say 300 gil. The answer is: "This show is called Sailor Moon."

BARRET: **BZZZ** What is , Space Captain Harlock?

ALEX: No, you idiot.

TIFA: **BZZZ** What is, Magic Knight Rayearth?

ALEX: Close enough, but no.

YUFFIE: **BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ—

ALEX: DO NOT HOLD YOUR BUZZER DOWN.

YUFFIE: **--ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ** WHAT IS GUNDAM WING?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

ALEX: No, you fucking imbecile. It's SAILOR…MOON….

BARRET: **BZZZ** Yo, that was a trick question!

ALEX: Yuffie, for some reason you are still in the lead. Pick a category.

YUFFIE: I'll take Sailor Moon again, and if you DARE argue with me I'll kick you in the nuts!

ALEX: For 400 gil… Sailor Moon uses this phrase to turn into her Senshi form during the first season.

TIFA: **BZZZ** What is, 'All your base are belong to us"?!

ALEX: Stupid.

BARRET: **BZZZ** What is, "Moon Prism Power"?!

(All of a sudden, Barret is hit y a flying cow and knocked offstage.)

ALEX: No dubbing allowed. Any other answers?

(Tifa and Yuffie look visibly shaken and remain silent.)

ALEX: Good. Let's move on to Final jeopardy, which is a category I adore when I'm in a masochistic mood. The answer is…"This is a yummy food." Just write down a food you like.

(The operatic Final Jeopardy music starts up. Tifa and Yuffie both write like demons.)

ALEX: Time's up. I have a sick curiosity as to what you all wrote. Tifa, you put… "What is Chocobo-burgers?". Good job! And your wager was… "All your base"…?

TIFA: Are belong to us!

ALEX: It's not longer funny, and I hate you.

(Tifa makes a sad face.)

ALEX: Yuffie?

(Yuffie's answer seems to be nothing but a lot of squiggly lines.)

YUFFIE: It's spaghetti!

ALEX: I'll take it. And your wager? "All the Materia in the whole wide universe". You managed to spell six out of seven words wrong.

YUFFIE: I'm specially abled, you horse fucker.

ALEX: I don't doubt it for a minute. Well, that concludes another painful episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. Since we have no winner, you both lose, just because I don't like either of you one little bit.

(Yuffie and Tifa both make sad faces now.)

ALEX: I'm Alex Trebek, and my ulcer is the size of New Jersey. Good night.


End file.
